Make the Oath of Fairness

Safeguard healthy Relationships

Is she giving or taking?

As we all know, people are motivated by needs and wants and they act on intent and with goals in mind. People are opportunistic – for better or worse. No, we do not want to get much into moralizing or prescribing certain ways of life over others. But we like to describe an idea of fairness as pertinent to better human living.

You perhaps guessed by now that enduring, interpersonal relationships are our favorite topic. We quoted a psychologist’s theory of love in our blog post on types of love in that consummate love is the complete form of love, representing the ideal relationship toward which many people strive but which apparently few achieve. The psychologist had warned that even when a consummate love relationship is achieved, there is no guarantee that it also can be maintained over long. What can safeguard healthy relationships?

Kant’s Imperative

A lot of smart people in history tried to come up with principles that, if observed, would make life better for us humans. To mind may come Immanuel Kant, the German philosopher who is considered the central figure of modern philosophy. According to Kant, human beings occupy a special place in creation, and morality can be summed up in an imperative, or ultimate commandment of reason, from which all duties and obligations derive. Kant’s imperative is best known in its first formulation:

“Act only according to that maxim whereby you can, at the same time, will that it should become a universal law.”

Well, we believe that Kant – and philosophy in general – is really difficult to understand and live up to! However, determined folks may want to read up on Kant’s philosophy at Stanford’s Encyclopedia of Philosophy.

Our Oath of Fairness is perhaps a little smaller in scope, and simpler to handle between people.

Beware of Cheaters

We have always talked about give and take. More than other types of love, the romantic love relationship defies this human condition in that each partner does not seem to care about how much or little s/he receives. The mind’s internal accounting system seems to be suspended in two people madly in love with each other, they just let go of internal score keeping. This is great, but it also makes a lover vulnerable to cheaters – the subtle kind.

As we will explain in a future post, a cheater will on average try to take just a little more from another than what s/he is willing to return. Just little enough to go undetected! Another favorite trick of cheaters is to take from “here” and give to “over there” to enhance him or herself’s status in the eyes of those who benefit from receiving. The cheater tries to fool the “here” folks that he or she acts justifiably in perfect balance of give and take.

Are we not all trying to get away with tricks like that? Yes, perhaps. Otherwise, we think of cheaters primarily as people who break a promise as with an extramarital affair. Reality is much more subtle.

Once that score keeping comes to take place in the foreground of the “beloved’s” mind, eventually and inevitably, any imbalances in giving and receiving are perceived and noted. Then, and when these imbalances are not talked about between the two partners, the relationship might be in for trouble.

The Oath of Fairness

We have always talked about give and take. True Love Singles wants to help people establish and maintain intimate and enduring relationships and proposes (not as a categorical imperative) some simple guidelines to inscribe in one’s heart. We call them the Oath of Fairness.

  • On average, act so as to give a little more than you take.
  • On average, give in equal or more to where you take from.
  • If, on average, give and take with another cannot be balanced, have agreement with that other.

Make that oath right now to yourself. We think that observance of our Oath of Fairness by any promising Singles will go a long way in complementing other morsels of wisdom in establishing and maintaining enduring, intimate relationships.

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